A.S., by Sensational Alex Salmond Gastric Band

A.S.

by Sensational Alex Salmond Gastric Band

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1.	Arnie Schwarzenegger 02:32	lyrics	buy track
When I was a young boy I lived on St Kilda All I wanted to be was a bodybuilder I opened up a comic and I saw his picture Who’s the man when things get rough? Arnie Schwarzenegger He was full of muscles and dynamic tension He looked a little glaikit which no-one ever mentions But that is what attracted me – I was a gangly beggar Who’s the man when things get rough? Arnie Schwarzenegger And nobody would ever kick sand in his face His big ugly face, well it is, isn’t it? Maybe that’s why he had to fight in the first place That’s a good point, well made, about ugly face, well it is, isn’t it? He re-invented himself as a Hollywood actor Action hero, terminator, get to the chopper Who’d have thought he would end up a California guvnah? Who’s your next president? Arnie Schwarzenegger
2.	Alexksandr Solzenitsyn 01:59	lyrics	buy track
Alexksandr Solzenitsyn went to MFI Got a wardrobe, put all the bits in He was quite a guy He wasn't a spy Oh no Alexksandr Solzenitsyn went to the Magnet shop Got himself a fitted kitchen with a burning hob He was a bit of a nob He wasn't a spy though Oh no He wrote The Gulag Archipelago You must have read it What do you mean, No? He was a big cheese in the 70s When he got released it was the bees knees It was on the news and everything He wasn't a spy though Oh no Alexksandr Solzenitsyn had a great big beard He looked a bit like Daniel Kitson But not as bloody weird (Only kidding, Daniel. Love your work. Really.) He wasn't a spy though Oh no
3.	Alexei Sayle 03:12	lyrics	buy track
Do you remember that shouty skinhead Too short suits Allo John, got a new motor And Doc Marten boots I heard that he is now being auctioned on E-bay If you can stump up for his own material they say It's an Alexei sale Alexei Sayle Alexei Sayle I put a bid in Put 50 quid in for a joke Someone out bid me For 60 and a bag of coke He made the song that is the most profane in history He might write books now But I liked him when he was sweary Alexei Sayle, Alexei Sayle Alexei Sayle, Alexei Sayle Alexei Sayle, Alexei Sayle Alexei Sayle, Alexei Sayle
4.	Ann Summers 01:55	lyrics	buy track
Roll up and buy our underwear From this woman here She has got shops everywhere Even in Mayfair I just go there for sex toys Not to buy the clothes I like things that make a noise Transformer dildos are the boys The Prince Albert ring was embarrassing It got stuck and I had to dial 999 You should have seen the fireman's face When he whipped out his axe I was all over the place He said just relax
5.	Adam Smith 02:14	lyrics	buy track
He was born in Kirkcaldy Which they call the Lang Toun He's not a sfamous as Bill Oddie Or Gordon Broon I don't think he got out much But he was good at his sums He probably went to Fife College To write The Wealth Of Nations Adam Smith - he's a wonderful economist Adam Smith - big woo hoos Adam Smith - it's not like he's a novelist Adam Smith - or Penelope Cruz Poor wee Adam He didn't have chums But he had a system And he had his sums He had his life in order, maaan He should run the banks today He'd go out with Carol Vorderman And blow the Goodwin away Adam Smith - he's a wonderful economist Adam Smith - big woo hoos Adam Smith - it's not like he's a novelist Adam Smith - or Penelope Cruz Adam Smith - he wasn't a chiropodist Adam Smith - that something to do with your feet Adam Smith - he was an economist Adam Smith - damned neat neat neat
6.	Arthur Scargill 02:59	lyrics	buy track
Nothing could be finer than to be a striking miner back in 84 From John O'Groats to Dover, a man with a combover oversaw the war Arthur Scargill - king of the hill Man of the people Arthur Scargill Thatcher and Macgregor were the enemy together on the other side They plotted and they schemed To kill the mining industry And sure enough it died At that time you had to say that's mine Or share Nothing's changed or everything has Who cares? But let us not hark back to darker days The scars and scabs have healed now Haven't they? The gap between the rich and poor Is wider than it was before the miners strike Someone's let the tyres down And someone made them pop On Norman Tebbitt's bike
7.	Andrew Sachs 02:37	lyrics	buy track
There's no doubt that Fawlty Towers and Manuel made him a star throughout the land But his career was rejuvenated by Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand All it took was just a phone call to give birth to Sachs and drugs and rock n roll And there he was on Coronation Street Playing the half brother of Norris Cole These are the facts Bout Andrew Sachs He has a knack Of bouncing back He said he's back above the water thanks to Brand and his goddaughter in the sack He was not related to Leonard Sachs from The Good Old Days who knew how to drag out a convoluted and alliterative phrase So just to clear that up They're not related But Leonard appears in this song Because I couldn't think of anything that Andrew's done To make it last that long These are the facts He didn't come from Barcelona but Berlin Coronation Street and Fawlty Towers is all that he's been in He pays his tax He wasn't in Mad Max (You can tell I'm really grasping at straws eh?) But on the outside he's a joker Play Shut Up Ya Face, well that is pretty sad Take it away, Leonard...
8.	Alison Steadman 03:09	lyrics	buy track
I first saw Steadman on my TV In a great play called Abigail's Party Sh'e always been round She's always been there for me She is the best thing On Gavin and Stacey Alison Steadman Queen of them all I'll be your Bogart If you'll be my Bacall You've even been in You'll Have Had Your Tea I love you in anything By Mike Leigh There's been so many Great parts you have played The Singing Detective Let There Be Cake I saw you once on the tube in real life You stood right opposite I was mesmerised
9.	Albert Schweitzer 02:51	lyrics	buy track
Albert Schweitzer spent his nights a-dreaming of philosophy Universal ethics anchored in global reality Someone has to, I suppose If anybody asks Albert knows Albert Schweitzer wore black tights A remedy for cold evenings Challenged traditional christians He got the Nobel Peace Prize - jings! Someone has to, I suppose If anybody asks Albert knows A musical scholar Perfect pitch and tone He could've been taller If he'd left his organ alone Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert Albert Schweitzer had some fights Along with other brainy geezers He won his repute with the Quest Of The Historical Jesus Someone has to, I suppose If anybody asks Albert knows Alsatian, German and French They wouldn't leave Albert on the bench Albert Schweitzer - he did right, sir
10.	Andy Stewart 02:27	lyrics	buy track
He always sang 'Donald Where's Yer Troosers' That made me really depressed An anthem for shabby fashion losers Whose idea of haute couture is a string vest One of the White Heather Club hay bale stars A skirl and a swirl in a kilt Oh, and if you mention deep fried mars bars I'm gonnae have to get you killed Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart Tartan shortbread Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart A long time dead Andy Stewart Skean dhu Campbelltown Loch's all whisky noo There was a Scottish soldier Was another one of his tunes I don't remember him getting older Maybe he ended up in The Broons Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart Tartan shortbread Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart, Andy Stewart A long time dead Andy Stewart Skean dhu Campbelltown Loch's all whisky noo The wind blows high, the wind blows low Sometimes rain, sometimes snow What is this? A weather forecast? Donald, where's your head at?
11.	Alastair Stewart 01:49	lyrics	buy track
Alastair Stewart used to present A show about police car chases and accidents Then he was done for driving drunk and disorderly I hope he appreciated the irony He used to present News At Ten When Trevor Macdonald had a break now and then He’s slick and he’s sickly and I don’t know why I’m even singing about this guy There are more important things in this world Than ex newsreaders who make everybody hurl There is pestilence and war and hate But Al has covered all of them, so great Aren’t we all lucky living in the multimedia If you don’t know Al, look him up on Wikipedia My interest in him is waning all along It’s time to abruptly terminate this song
12.	Anwar Sadat 03:13	lyrics	buy track
Anwar Sadat was third president of Egypt He and his government were liked for a while But this soon abated In 1981 he was assassinated There was a fatwah on Mohammed Anwar Sadat Who knew that Egypt could be so volatile I suppose you would get sick of the pyramids after a while But they've got the sphinx And they don't have Gadaffi These are good reasons to not get trigger happy There was a fatwah on Mohammed Anwar Sadat Anwar oh Anwar When Sadat was their favourite president He didn't even wear a fez No wonder he was killed by a trooper He was less popular than Tommy Cooper
13.	Andrews Sisters 02:10	lyrics	buy track
The boogie woogie bugle boy of company B Went out with an Andrews sister, 1943 He couldn't remember which one - it was one of the three Maxine Anglyn, Laverne Sophia, Patty The Lady Boys of Bangkok had a similar dilemma Although, of course in their case it was different, however They never sang close harmonies or even a capella And anyway none of the Andrews Sisters was a fellah 1953 was their career low When Patty decided to go solo It was a bitter breakup They knew they had to fix But sure enough they all made up In 1956 They flirted for a while with rock n roll But this infatuation really took its toll They lost sight of their career goal But they dug themselves out of that hole
14.	Alastair Sim 02:31	lyrics	buy track
When you were in pictures You had us in stitches Sad eyes that sang With your hangdog sneer Respectable veneer And Edinburgh twang Alastair Sim We all love where you've been St Trinians Ebenezer Ronnie Corbett's choice Was to say you had the voice Of a fastidious ghoul When you played Miss Fritton Everyone was smitten And the same with Scrooge Alastair Sim We all love where you've been St Trinians Ebenezer Alastair Sim I loved you in An Inspector Calls, The Green Man And Geordie So let's raise a gin To Alastair Sim Not a carnival, Man of distinction and glory What a story Alastair
15.	Alexander Selkirk 02:50	lyrics	buy track
Alexander Selkirk - he came from Largo He was better known as Robinson Crusoe He lived on an island surrounded by the sea He didn't have a mobile It was the 18th century! He had a man Friday and Saturday and Sunday too But no one talks about that It's kind of taboo Alexander - the philanderer Had a fling with a giant panda And a goose And a gander Looked a bit like Colonel Sanders Finger licking good - yeah It was just a novel by Daniel Defoe I had it on audiotape by Yoko Ono Now it is a musical Ben Elton has the rights It's very tasteful It's called 'I Will Survive' Alexander - the philanderer Had a fling with a giant panda And a goose And a gander Looked a bit like Colonel Sanders Finger licking good - yeah
16.	Alan Sugar 02:17	lyrics	buy track
Dear Alan Sugar Sugar I'm a Nigerian business man And you've got me wanting you Oh Alan Sugar Sugar I have a foolproof plan Listen, I'll tell you what to do Just send me your bank account details in an email, ooh And I will sort out the rest I have wads of cash which I cannot get access to Which I think we should invest Oh Alan Sugar Sugar I'm a Nigerian business man And you've got me wanting you A thousand quid would be delicious I could launder it through my man in Mauritius We could make life so sweet Hey, hey, hey I'm t-t-t-t-totally wired I love it when you point and say ,'You're fired!' We could make life complete Hey, hey, hey Pour some sugar on me Oh Alan Sugar Sugar I'm a Nigerian business man And you've got me wanting you Oh Alan Sugar Sugar Not as beardy as Rich Branson But you've got me wanting you
17.	Alex Salmond 02:18	lyrics	buy track
Sometimes it's hard to be Nicola Sturgeon Giving all your love to just one man First he's in London Then Banff and Buchan Doing things that you don't understand But at least he's not in the Bahamas Where staunch Scot Shorn Canary stays Voting SNP Beneath the palm trees But after all, he's just a prat Alex Salmond Give him two jobs to cling to And the bookies to turn to When nights get cold and lonely Alex Salmond Even Brian Souter loves him Keep giving all the funds you can Alex Salmond Alex Salmond Linlithgow really loves him A black bitch and a Jambo fan Alex Salmond